Sunday

Hi Erica, came here from Ify's vlog and I absolutely love both of you. Now I am in a long distance relationship and my man is working and studying so we don't really have time to talk, this has been bothering me and I don't know what do, please help me.

Hey! Thank you, I appreciate the love :) Being in a long distance relationship can be conflicting although not impossible. You are two individuals in different places with different schedules and obligations. The common denominator here is that you are in a committed relationship together. One important key factor is communication. You absolutely must communicate. In the case that no one has time, you have to make time because it is just that important if you want your relationship to be healthy and lasting. Relationships and emotional health are just as much as a priority as working and studying. Life can get crazy (do I know it!) so this is where scheduling can help. It takes effort. You may have to schedule phone calls and time for each other because it’s just that important. Plan visits in advance, utilize your calendars, and stick with it. When you're busy, it can be frustrating trying to find time, but if it’s worth it, you make the sacrifice. I hope this helps :)

Tuesday

Hello young lady this is my very first time visiting your blog! So I am going to keep it simple. I need some advice. I am really attracted to a new female friend. I usually don't have trouble talking to females but for some reason when it comes to this particular young lady, I seem to choke up and start to feel like butterflies are in my stomach...I guess it’s because of my insecurities due to my current lifestyle but I really want her to get to know me, without scaring her away!!!! She shows me attention but I'm not sure if it’s just friendly, business, or possibly relationship attention! I'm confused on what's the next step I should take with the young lady. Can you help me with this situation?

Well hello, thank you for visiting and asking a question! I’ll try my best to help. So you met a new friend, whom you are attracted to and you want her to get to know you without scaring her away. My first thought, is why you think you will scare her away? Maybe she will scare you away! (lol). What about your lifestyle are you concerned about? Is it your new friend who will find issue with your lifestyle or do YOU already find issue with your own lifestyle? If you think that your own lifestyle is an issue, maybe that’s something to consider personally for yourself. Can you do something about it? Do you want to? Ok so back to the young lady…I think a first step would be to get to know her and allow her the opportunity to get to know you. It sounds to me like you are overthinking and in your head about this situation. There seems to be a lot of what if’s coming up for you and that just builds and builds more insecurity and more reason to get choked up. I don’t know what’s going to happen between you and the young lady but simply being friends is a good place to start. It gives both parties the opportunity to get to know one another without the relationship pressure etc. If you’re looking for where to start, my advice is to treat her how you would treat one of your friends, asses, and then go from there. Good luck!

Hi Erica, I have big issue at hand and I'm slightly embarrassed by it. Well, here it goes... I can't get over my ex. They were the first person I ever actually been "in love" with. It has been 2-3 years now & I still think about them. Either if something reminds me of them or it just gets to the point that I end up thinking about them. I promise you it's not by choice I try sooooo hard not to & I always fail. It hits me even worse at night before bed. I prayed hard on it every night to try & make it stop because it's mentally painful & emotionally draining. She has moved on & I’m trying to figure out why can’t I? Do you know of any methods or ways I can't start using to help me forget? Or just ease the pain in general?

Hey! Thank you for stopping by. No need to feel embarrassed, this is completely anonymous. It’s so anonymous that I don’t even know who writes to me. Also rest assured that you aren't the only one with big issues such as this one! Ok so, can’t get over an ex. Let’s get to it. The first thing I’m wondering is how it ended. Was it a mutual decision? Did it end on good terms? Did you get to say all that you wanted? What about closure? Sometimes a hard goodbye or an unfinished goodbye can leave you stuck and unable to move on. Were you even able to talk and say goodbye etc? When you’re with someone who played a significant role in your life, it takes time to move on. Who says there is a time limit? There are plenty of factors that play into how you’re feeling today. I don’t know the full story but I’m wondering if there is guilt involved or regret? Guilt and regret can also leave one stuck, in pain, and emotionally drained. It is possible that you can’t move on because you don’t want to (really)…or it’s unfinished to you. So on to the methods. You won’t forget. Accept this. Can you move on without forgetting? Of course you can. You can do a few things. My go to is communication. I understand that your ex has moved on and you may not be able to talk to this person for several different reasons and if this is the case, write a letter to your ex but don’t send it. Keep the letter because this is about you. Write everything you wanted/want to say but didn’t/haven’t. Make it as long as you need to and then get rid of it. Burn it, put it inside of a balloon and let it go into the sky, something symbolic of letting go. It won’t be the end all be all but it’s a start. Do you have reminders of your ex around? Little things can be triggers. Give yourself permission to mourn the loss of your relationship. When a loved one passes away, years can go by and it doesn't make it any easier just because its been xyz years. Break ups are a loss too. Give yourself time and don’t pressure yourself to be over it when you're not. Have you been dating?(you don't have to date with the intention of a relationship but just a way to stay social, meet people, and get your feet wet) Do you surround yourself with uplifting people? I could ask questions all day and where I’m going with this is, yes you are sad about your ex, but what about the other areas in your life? Is it possible that these other areas play a role too? Could it be that you are lonely? There are plenty of factors to consider. I also recommend talking with someone whom you trust about your situation. It’s helpful to talk things out and get it out there. Own it and accept where you are right now. The sooner you do this, the sooner you can begin to move on. Also remember to consider the positives in this and what you have gained. There’s always something. Another tip is to consider how you spend your time. Do you spend time investing into yourself? For example, exercising or doing what you love/enjoy. The more time you spend on you the less time you will have to think about them. Keep in mind that it's a process and will take time and practice. Replace old triggers and reminders with new ones that have to do with yourself and try to make new memories. I hope this helps and gives you a start. 

Wednesday

Hello, 1st let me thank you for all that you do to help others. You are a blessing! My spouse and I have been married or 20+ years. We have had many ups and downs as in any marriage. At one point I felt very un loved and lonely which I did make known. This was a huge hurdle because my spouse verified the love wasn't where it should be. For many years we rode a roller coaster of highs and lows. We have a ton of history together & a beautiful family. The last year or so has been very trying for both of us. A lot of eye opening on both parts. After a lot of talking and tears we agree that we love each other however neither of us are in love with the other. Now by no means I do not feel it should be romance and all that "new love" feeling all the time I understand "life" changes things as it has changed the both of us and I feel we grew apart. Can a marriage last knowing we are no longer in love with each other? I do not want to have a failed marriage. I also do not want us to stay married out of habit or fear. I feel we should be in love. I see it as you can love anyone but to be in love that is something different. My spouse feels otherwise. What is your thoughts? Again thank you!

Hello! Thank you for your kind words and for stopping by :). 20+ years is a long time and rightfully so full of highs and lows. I think that it’s great that you're able to highlight the positives yet are aware of barriers and have already communicated this to your spouse. This really highlights your strength and dedication. After 20+ years, it is still possible to fall back in love again. Everyone is different as is every relationship but it is possible. Before you and your spouse agreed that you weren't in love anymore did you try to fall back in love with each other? I think it takes all that effort that was put forth in the beginning to maintain the “new love” feeling. I’m not saying it has to be all of the time but just reminders here and there that let’s you know that the in love feeling is still there. Do you two make time for each other? You mentioned that you have a beautiful family. Have you spent most of your time dedicated to your family and not each other as a couple? This reality is common for a lot of families and it’s so easy to get wrapped up in life and what we HAVE to do on a daily that somewhere you and your spouse lose each other. Do you know when that point was? Can you think back and remember when this happened? How did it happen that you are in this place and no longer in love? Do you want to be in love again? Does your spouse want to be in love again? To answer your question, a marriage can last knowing that you are no longer in love with each other but the question is, will that work for you. It depends on the agreement between you and your husband and what MARRIAGE means to you. Is a marriage without the in love part going to make you happy? If you want to be married and in love, you should be married and in love. Try exploring some of the questions I mentioned. Another question to explore is when you began to grow apart. Keep in mind that your timeline might be different from your spouse and that’s okay because it can give you more insight. I hear you say that you don’t want a failed married but you don’t want to stay in a marriage that no longer makes you happy. I think that from here, you should explore if you want to try to fall back in love again and how important your own personal happiness is to you. 

Friday

Hi, I know this is probably random. I’m really close to my aunt and we talk a lot especially her confiding in me. But at the same time there's boundaries because of course she's way older than I am. I help her with Online apps and things of that nature that asks for personal information. Recently she made a comment saying "you hang around me too much". Being me I was like oh I'm sorry. But we both laughed it off with a hug. I don't know if I'm being paranoid but is that something I should take personally or if it's something I should take note of and try not to be in her space so often. Ps: we see each other everyday because we live together and I'm Haitian so I guess culture does play a role in the boundary aspect. Thank you so much. Love what you are doing by the way. I aspire to be like you one day, you do great work I once saw a video of you on your friends YouTube channel Ifyyvonne

I love that you and your aunt have such a special relationship. It’s nice to have connections with those that are older to provide us with wisdom along the way. I’m not sure what your aunt may have meant by her comment. Maybe she thinks you are beginning to act like her by hanging around her too much. Maybe she didn’t mean anything by it. The only way to know is to talk with her about it. You are entitled to your feelings and if something bothers you, you have the option to communicate it. It doesn't have to be a long drawn out deep talk and it doesn't have to be an argument. It can be as simple as telling your aunt that you were thinking about her comment and want to know if that is what she truly thinks or feels. You can go on to tell her your reaction to what she said. You and your aunt seem to be pretty close so I am taking a leap here but I think she will be receptive to what you have to say in a loving way. Thank you for writing me and for your kind words! Your words truly touched me :) 

Sunday

Hi, if you personally were cheated on, would you want to know?

Hi, thank you for stopping by! So the topic of cheating…let’s get right into it. If you
suspect that you were cheated on, I think that communication between you and your partner is so necessary. It’s not good to assume and it will cause a lot of stress if you over-think. Good old fashion communication is a good step. It’s also a good idea to be prepared for a response that you may or may not want to hear. Knowing that you were cheated on can cause all kinds of trust issues and insecurities but so can other factors in a relationship. For example, not knowing if you were cheated on or not can cause the same issues. If you are the one who cheated, I don’t think it’s always necessary to come clean if you don’t plan on continuing the “committed” relationship because that can cause more harm to the person that you are with. I think that you can end the relationship in other ways without admitting to cheating. Everyone is different, as is every relationship but I do believe that there are some relationship 101 fundamentals. For example, a healthy relationship involves trust and honesty. Now, if you’re talking about an ex who cheated but you never knew, I don’t think that’s important to know one way or the other. I think that’s in the past and irrelevant and something you shouldn’t be concerned about especially since you aren’t together anymore. That piece of information isn’t necessary to know. Being cheated on in a current relationship however is different. Some people believe the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” but others don’t. There’s really no way of knowing if the saying is true or not. Finding out if you were cheated on in a current relationship can go one of two ways. One, the relationship is over sooner or later or two, you decide to stay together and work through it. I know that you asked a very straightforward question but I work I the world of relationships LOL and I can think of so many different dynamics, more than what I have included in this response. I hope this helps! Final thought: what is meant to be will be and what is not meant to be won’t.

Monday

Hello I'll first start by saying how much I love your forum. And the fact that you take your time out to give wise advice to people that need it. It is very much appreciated especially by me. My boyfriend has a friend who is in a relationship with his brother who is married but his wife is out of town. This girl who is my boyfriend's friend is also in a relationship with her boyfriend who is also out of town. My boyfriend’s friend and his brother hook up and start sleeping together. Long story short they end the relationship and the girl, my boyfriend’s friend start blaming my boyfriend for letting his brother take advantage of her. She's trying not to let her boyfriend find out that she cheated but yet she blames my boyfriend continuously and went ahead to tell him she'll hurt him. Couple of days ago I get a call on my phone of a lady accusing me that I'm involved with her husband and she's cursing me out, I was confused so I hung up only to find out later on that it was my boyfriend's friend. My boyfriend says not to call her back, he apologized to me I have a feeling she's not gonna stop at just that and I don't want to be the one she hurts to get back at him (my boyfriend) What do I do I'm really trying to stay away from the whole situation and be calm about it

Hey! Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate you! Wow, this one is loaded. Your boyfriend is so much involved. His brother and his close girl friend? This is sticky and messy and I’m sorry that you’re caught up in it. I’m not sure what this woman is capable of but obviously something is off when she’s taking matters out on you. It sounds like she’s upset with the brother and is taking it out on your boyfriend by trying to hurt you. So what can you do? Well I’m assuming that since she is your boyfriends close friend that you and her might be sort of close as well…she has your phone number, knows where you live most likely, and is probably following you on social media. I don’t know the history of your relationship but she doesn’t sound like someone you want to keep around. I don’t want to jump the gun but from the little information you gave about her she doesn’t seem like a trustworthy person. Trust is one of the fundamentals in any relationship so I’m not seeing this relationship to be salvageable. I think that your decision to stay out of it is a good one. What you don’t want to do is escalate the situation or provoke her. This didn’t have anything to do with you in the beginning and it shouldn’t now. I think the best thing to do would be to let your boyfriend and his brother handle it. And honestly, maybe the brother has done enough! He may not be the best person to talk with her…so it sucks but since your boyfriend is her friend, he might be the best person to talk to her. It’s their mess not yours. Your boyfriend should meet with his friend and talk to her. He should let her know that he knows she's hurt and that he agrees that it's a messed up situation. If he could sort of acknowledge her pain and relate with her that might help her to listen to what he has to say when he tells her to leave you out of it. It was her choice to cheat on her boyfriend with a married man and she has no right to take that out on you. Keep in mind that if she continues to harass you, you can BLOCK her or unfollow her on your social media, block her from calling your phone, e-mail too if you have to. Goodness gracious this is a tough, annoying,and frustrating situation...I hope these tips help!