Wednesday

"OK. So I am a west African woman who needs some advice about my siblings, sister in particular. I live about 4 hrs away from her and I would say we are close. What I am struggling with is the fact that I feel like I am in a constant state of disapproval with my mom who is back home because of how my sister describes our relationship. The reality is that I sometimes work 12 hr days and between life and work I sometimes do not get a chance to call my sister. We at least talk every 2 days if not everyday but every week, I have to get a lesson from my mom about being foreigners in this country and sticking together. I know she worries for us and just wants us to be ok and rely on each other so my frustration is not towards her. It is towards my sister because I feel freaking annoyed about her complaining to my mom that I am too busy for her!!! We got into a huge argument the other day because I got yet another lecture from mom and it made me mad. I asked her why she didn't express these feelings with me and she said that she understood I was busy. I called BS and said that she just wants to be the "good daughter" that's why she is always "snitching" on me. I don't tell my mom half of the stuff she does here because I know what kind of lecture she would get and I have her back, but it does not seem to be reciprocated. I am always the one calling, always the one driving down to see her, always the one initiating contact but if I even try to tell mom about it, she thinks I am trying to deflect. I am frustrated and feeling betrayed so how do I deal with this??? My hubby is not much help because he does not understand our culture. Help! (sorry it was so long winded... thank youuuuuu)"

No need to apologize for being long, I love the long questions! The more details the better :). You are already on the right track!! Great move on your part to not go back and tell your mom about all that your sister does. This is between you and your sister and somehow she has managed to include your mom. This is what we call triangulation..the triangle is you, your sister, and your mom. What would be ideal is for when your sister calls your mom to tell on you or complain, your mom changes the subject or simply suggests to your sister to call you or email you or text you or Facebook you lol contact you in someway. The more your mom does that the less your sister will call and tell her because she is not getting the satisfaction of being perceived as the "good daughter". You can talk to your mom and ask her if she can have your sister contact you instead of her..I know that's mom and might be a stretch but I think it's worth a shot. You can talk to your sister about it and ask her not to call mom but to contact you instead but I really think mom is the key factor here. Sounds like a frustrating situation..I hope your mom can help you out because in the long run it will help you and your sister's relationship.

2 comments:

  1. Anonymous2:17 AM

    Thank you so much erica. I have been trying!

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  2. You're welcome! Thank you for stopping by <3

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