Tuesday

Okay, so I met my high school sweetheart when I was 14. And we have been "on and off" (relationship, just talking and "friends") until age 20. However, in between gaps of on and off, he gets a gf. He'll stop talking to them or cheat on them to be with me. But then he’ll completely cut me off and go back to them. (I know I am DUMB for taking him back.) But the bond that we shared was crazy. Just how close we were. We barely argued and when we did, it didn't last. We always had sooo much fun together. He was my Best friend, if anything. So it's hard because I feel like I lost my Best friend and lover at once. Here's the problem: I cannot feel anymore. I feel so numb. Every guy I talk to... I can't seem to have that "in like" feeling with them like I did with him. I am talking to the greatest guy ever right now! GREAT but I cannot seem to really feel that "in like" feeling with him. And I want to because THIS GUY is everything I ever wanted in a guy. But I can't seem to feel... with anyone anymore. And crazy enough to say... The last encounter I had with my high school sweetheart... I even felt numb when it came to him. I want to be able to leave him behind. I want to be able to love and be loved again. But I don't know how or even where to start.

Sounds like you have been on roller coaster ride going up and down and around..starting and stopping and starting again. I think it’s safe to say that you’ve had enough of the ride and are ready to get off and try something different. Some of our most intense feelings are in the teenage years. Friends become the main priority and intimate relationships are formed. Your intense feelings are new and you have so many at once when you are a teen that it causes one to do things that may not make sense logically. One may tend to make decisions solely based on ones feelings and not logic, and that’s okay because that’s what you do when you are young and the hope is that you learn and grow from it. All this is to say...I can’t tell you not to feel dumb if that’s how you feel, BUT I will say don’t be too harsh on yourself. I am sooo positive many of us can relate to you. Okay, so 14 to 20 is a loooong time. Woo! That’s a long time. Six years of the roller coaster thing. I’m not surprised you are numb. Seems to me that at one time you felt safe in your relationship and then the safe or secure feeling left. He started to date other people and would cheat on them with you. So it is established that he is a cheater. Then he would leave you and go back to them (games, games, and more games). This is enough to hurt your relationship and cause distrust where you no longer feel safe. If this was one of the first “real” relationships that you have had and it was full of so many ups and downs, it makes sense that you are scared to try again. Also, since you have known each other for so long it can be comforting to stay in a relationship because it is familiar to you, even if it is time to move on. It is a strong possibility that you feel numb because you don't want to feel again because it is not safe to feel if you only end up hurt in the end. It is scary to be vulnerable with someone again after you already tried and it did not work out. I imagine it is very exhausting for you. Although you may want to date right now and this guy is GREAT, I think that timing is everything and it may be bad timing. What’s the use of meeting a great guy if you are not ready or in a good place to give the relationship your best shot? Before you attempt to be loved or love someone else in this type of way, you must take care of yourself first. You will have to learn to trust again because from your past relationship you learned that you can’t. And when I say trust I also mean your gut as well. You said that you know it was dumb for you to go back with your ex, but you did anyways. Something was telling you, bad idea, don’t do it. Trust that. It’s hard though, that is the truth! But it helps. I think self reflection would be a great place to start. Spend some time with yourself and and explore the love you have for YOU and what you want. I hope that this helps you with the start you were looking for.

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