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Hi So, my boyfriend started being intimate with girls at a very young age and is obviously very sexually active. He loves sex and has a high sex drive compared to me who is very laid back and don't really care much about it. I like it but basically think I can do without it. He doesn't agree with this and thinks everybody is supposed to love sex. I actually do want to hold off a little because I actually was a believer of waiting until marriage but somehow broke that myself. He loves me and when I talked about it with him, he says he's patient and could wait until whenever I'm ready but it's going to be hard on him. (Now he compromises and we don't have sex as much) But I still want us to wait until hopefully of our relationship leads to marriage. How do I tell him that without hurting his feelings?

Great question! So from what it looks like, you and your boyfriend have pretty opposite views about sex. That’s okay, plenty of couples do. The good news is that you are talking about it together. Now the issue I see is that you have compromised by having less sex. I think that having less sex can be confusing to not only you but your boyfriend as well. I can understand that you were trying to compromise by meeting in the middle but it sends a mixed message. How is your boyfriend supposed to know when it is okay or not okay? How do you know how many times you said no or didn’t? I think you should either have sex in your relationship or don’t. It’s not fair to your boyfriend to not know when it is okay or to guess or to possibly feel guilty because he knows maybe you don’t want it. It is also not fair to you to compromise on something that you value, like waiting until marriage. If you want to wait until you are married, I think that is awesome! But you have to be clearer about this because it looks pretty confusing to me. If you think of it this way, how bad is waiting really, if when you’re married you have the rest of your marriage to be intimate? Just a thought. So how do you tell your boyfriend that you really prefer to wait? Well for starters, how enjoyable is it to you when in the back of your mind you know you want to wait? Maybe you can tell him what that’s like for you, so he can understand how much this weighs on you. Also letting him know that it is not fair to him for there to be this confused, mixed idea of to have sex or not lingering around. Let him know that you love him and that you want to be fair to him and fair to yourself. It may be tough for him to hear but it is sort of a win, win. He won’t have the mixed signals anymore and you won’t have to sacrifice your value. Talk together and come up with other ways to bring you closer as a couple to help maintain the intimacy in your relationship. I think that coming up with other ways would be a great addition to your intimacy and would help your boyfriend to view this as a new gain instead of a loss.

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