Monday

I've been with my guy for many years, but a few years ago I found myself being attracted to females for the first time in my life. It was new, and I struggled coming to terms however he was supportive, saying that I could occasionally engage in relations with a female as long as he was involved. To date, none of the girls I've found have been interested in him, and I'm starting to feel very frustrated. To make matters worse I developed really deep feelings for a girl, and I've found myself thinking of her at times while he and I are being intimate. I love my guy and I have no plans on leaving him, but I don’t know how to deal with these feelings. I'm frustrated because I feel like there is a catch to me exploring a part of my sexual identity, but I do understand that I’m in a committed relationship where I value being faithful. Secondly, I can’t figure out how to handle my feelings for my female friend. I've put distance between us, not speaking for days or weeks, and she lives about 10 hours away but it doesn't matter. I feel guilty for how I feel about her, and I feel a little miserable when I don’t talk to her.

So after reading all of what you wrote, I have feedback for you. I’d like to go back to your second sentence because that really stood out to me. Your guy agreed to you engaging in relations with females as long as he was involved. I’m not sure if this means involved physically, sexually, and/or emotionally. I’m not sure what his involvement includes and that is very important. His involvement could mean many things. It could mean that he is apart of the relationship and that you are dating your guy and a female or it could mean just sexually. Nevertheless I think it’s great that you and your guy are talking about this and you have that communication. What sucks is that you are in a pretty tough situation and I agree with you that there is a catch to exploring your sexual identity due to the fact that you are in a committed monogamous relationship with no plans on ending. I can tell that you are loyal and you value that about yourself. It also sounds like you feel guilty because it feels like you are cheating on your guy even though technically you are not. So the question is, how do you deal with having feelings for someone else while staying in your current relationship? I hate to tell you but I don’t have the answer for that. All I keep thinking about is how miserable you will be if you don’t explore those feelings instead of avoiding them and trying to suppress them. You have to face these feelings that you have for this other person and it’s a huge risk, no doubt about it. You started out saying that it was an attraction and then towards the end you stated that you have deep feelings. I’m not sure what you identify your sexuality to be but to me it seems like you are attracted to men and women just the same. When you are in a committed relationship and you are happy, I don’t think you go out looking for new people to fall for so that you have to make tough complicated decisions such as this one. But it sounds like it happened and now you have to face it, if you don’t want to be miserable. You can ignore it, but those feelings won’t go away and honestly, they may be there for a reason. I’m sorry I don’t have the exact answer to your question but I am a romantic and I can’t tell you to suppress those feelings about someone you care deeply for and I won’t tell you to ignore them. I will tell you to stay true to the loyal person that you are (by not cheating) and continue to keep open communication with your guy.

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