Thursday

Hello Erica, Ok, so I am in a relationship with someone I really care for deeply. We have a great connection, we are like-minded on so many important values and beliefs and I think she is beautiful and can be sexually attractive. I like spending time with her and my family really likes her (my daughter included, I have never introduced a female to my daughter since her mother and I separated). I have always been a sexual being. I enjoy intimacy and pleasing my partner. I would say I have an average to high sex drive. In the past I have based my relationship selections on sexual attraction and more physical and surface level connections. They all have encountered issues (cheating, not having growth potential, etc.) or what old folks say not being equally yoked. This time, while having other selections, I chose this young lady I had a deeper unspoken connection with, but…. With all that being said, I am not truly sexually or intimately attracted to her. It has gotten to the point now when she wants to have sex and I just don’t get aroused. It has never been great (the sex), but I have just continued to keep the relationship going because everything else is so good. Some people’s sexual chemistry just doesn’t arouse you and I’m afraid she just doesn’t do it for me. I could go into more detail but I hope this gives understanding to my situation. I am not a shallow man, I understand that looks and physical attraction will fade, but I have never encountered this situation where me as the man has no sexual interest in my partner. My question to you is what are my options? It would break her heart to tell her I’m not intimately attracted to her and (though selfish of me) I don’t want to lose the relationship we have. Can a relationship work without being intimately attracted to your partner?

Hi! This is a great question that I’m sure many people wonder about, so thank you for asking. The thing is, the answer will be different for each person. I agree with you, when you say you do not want to tell her that you are not sexually attracted to her. I don’t think that would help solve or change anything expect a decrease in your girlfriend’s confidence. I also think that you make a good observation about your past relationships. You explained that you weighed looks and sexual attraction more than the other aspects of who you were dating and it didn’t work out. I think that you would definitely be settling or selling yourself short to only be with someone based upon looks and sexual chemistry, so I’m thinking why settle the other way around? Yea, I guess it could look shallow to have everything you want in a partner except this one thing and say no this isn’t going to work, but you know what works for you and if having sexual chemistry is important to you, then you should have that. No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect. You will not have every thing because no one is perfect but you have to prioritize what is important to you. There is nothing wrong with having sexual chemistry and attraction somewhere at the top of your list. To answer your question, yes, relationships can work without being intimately attracted to your partner. But can it work for you? I’m not so sure that this can work for you because it seems very important to you. Also, it isn’t fair to your girlfriend because eventually she will sense that you just aren’t attracted in that way. Maybe it’s just me, but I know I want who I’m with to be attracted to me! I don’t know how your girlfriend feels but she’s a woman and I’m going to assume she wants to feel like you think she’s got it goin on and that she does it for you! You know? So what are your options? I think you have to ask yourself how important having the sexual intimacy attraction is to you, and be honest with yourself. If it is a top priority that is not being met, then I don’t see you or your partner being satisfied in your relationship for the long run. Now on the other hand, you can communicate to your partner what you like and what works for you and ask what works for her. You can also try exploring other ways of intimacy and see if that helps any (sensual touch, romantic massage, etc). I think it would be a good idea to reflect on what attracted you initially because you said that you used to have the sexual attraction at some point but not anymore. Did something happen or change in either of your lives? Could it be that this relationship is simply different or more serious and you are scared? There's plenty of reasons to reflect on, but I would suggest starting with the ones I listed above. I hope this helps! Remember to take a look at what you prioritize in relationships and never settle.


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